If you see this chart seen above, I hit the deep #3 plunge. It wasn't pleasant, mostly because anxiety already has a nasty grip on my mind a lot of the time. Over the past year, I have made tremendous progress in getting a grip and controlling my anxiety. Of course, a lot of that progress went out the window once I stepped on the plane at Boston. I'm not entirely sure what set me down the slope of cultural shock, but it began to affect me in a lot of ways I didn't realize. Nervous eating creeped back into my habits. I started to freak out over where I would live during may-term and the upcoming fall semester. I really started to freak out thinking about my relationships back in the states, and if/how they would change when I got home. Everything manifested itself in a big breakdown of helplessness. I felt like there was nothing I could do in regards to my housing situation, relationships, etc since I was 3,000 some miles away. I have to nag my friends for updates in their housing situations to see if I can live with them. My friends lives carry on without me. My fear of my new kitten not wanting to see me as its owner since I couldn't be there to spend time with it. All of these things and more just weighed down on me so much, it brought me to tears. I thought I was safe from the "culture shock breakdown" since I had already been in Spain for over a month. Apparently, I just had a long honeymoon phase, because I just hit a wall. I found myself crying, repeating over and over "I just want to go home." I've usually had the problem of when something big in my life changes to keep it bottled up until I just burst. It happened this summer with moving, and it's happened in other situations beforehand. The problem I guess is that I can't see it building and building, because it's such a gradual process. After my breakdown, I'm not sure what in my head clicked, but I just felt better.
That right there. The fact that I felt better is important. Because it's one of the main reasons I hate society's expectation of men:
Men don't cry.
That's what we always are told. Men deal with their problems without the slightest emotion, unless you count indifference or rage as an emotion. Men aren't "allowed" to feel, because it makes us "weak". In the eyes of women, and other men. Because that's what society tells us. This is the most horrible thing men are told, even more so than "you have to look like an Abercrombie model to be attractive". Just honestly, if you think that, you need to check yourself real quick. I see the fact that Jesus, even while having a wild nature about him, prompting him to drive people out of the temple with a whip, still sat children down on his lap, wept for death of his friend Lazarus, and begged with God to spare His life in the garden, no doubt with tears in His eyes. He was gentle. He had feelings, often times of grief and despair. And he showed them. Why is it then that men, especially Christian men, don't find it "manly" to follow Jesus' example? Why do we let society dictate how we act? If we aren't supposed to let them dictate our actions, why do we let them dictate our emotions and how we express them?
I needed a good cry. Just telling people I wanted to go home would've been and had been perceived as whining, or being ungrateful for the opportunity I was given. I had to somehow get out the depth of how I was feeling. Not only that, I'm pretty sure I've heard that crying is physiologically good for our mental well-being.
*end soap-box*
All that being said, I am doing worlds better. I am on the uphill leading up to going home, adapting and accommodating to the culture. According to the chart, when I get home I'll have reverse culture shock. I am no longer naive enough to believe I'm immune. So here's what I ask:
If you read this, and you know that you'll be interacting with me in the first few months after I get home, PLEASE BE PATIENT WITH ME. I very well may not be emotionally stable. I don't really know what it will be like. These experiences are different in every person that goes abroad.
Sorry for the johnny-raincloud nature of the post. Just wait until I get back from Paris in April. That post is gonna be awesome.
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